012: The Beauty of Community as We Honor Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00)

hello cara and welcome to the unplayemomshow

podcast how are you

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[kara]: good how are you doing

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[ashley_bush]: i'm doing a ride

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[kara]: thank you so much for having me

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[ashley_bush]: of course it's my pleasure i'm so

excited to see you again and just to

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[kara]: oh

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[ashley_bush]: have you here and chat with you

and talk talk to all things motherhood and

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[ashley_bush]: all the amazing ministry work that you

are up to so i just i love

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[ashley_bush]: to dive in and just find

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[kara]: oh

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[ashley_bush]: out where you're at if you're here

in the states tell us tell us where

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[ashley_bush]: you're at

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[kara]: i live in florida actually we are

north central florida so if you can keep

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[kara]: it up with any of the news

lately we're not near where the hurricane hit

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[kara]: think fully

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[ashley_bush]: es

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[kara]: we were spared thankfully from that bad

hurricane but north central florida kala in particular

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[ashley_bush]: okay very very nice florida is one

of my absolute favorite places to go to

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[ashley_bush]: you know

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[kara]: pretty nice

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[ashley_bush]: yeah i'm land locked so

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[kara]: yeah

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[ashley_bush]: i love to get down there and

be in florida and

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[kara]: yeah

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[ashley_bush]: enjoy the weather

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[kara]: oh

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[ashley_bush]: so you ll have warm

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[kara]: what

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[ashley_bush]: weather while we're starting to get our

cold nasty weather here in in missouri

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[kara]: yeah it's slowly starting to feel like

fall here now

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: so i'm thankful for that

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[ashley_bush]: well awesome well again i'm just super

excited that you're here and we only just

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[ashley_bush]: want to dive into your motherhood journey

so tell us i always try to ask

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[ashley_bush]: guests you know where you go unquote

trying to have a family where you surprised

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[ashley_bush]: tell us a little bit about how

your motherhood journey and how that all kicked

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[ashley_bush]: off for you and i apologize that's

my

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[kara]: a

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[ashley_bush]: dog growling at me

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[kara]: um

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: yes so actually my entire life i

wanted to be a mom like that that

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[kara]: was the goal yes i wanted to

have a career and end you know do

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[kara]: all those things that you're

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: supposed to do but really i always

wanted to be a mom like i loved

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[kara]: carrying around baby dolls

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: and something i was little i love

taking care of them

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: love baby sitting children so

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: knew that

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[ashley_bush]: yes

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[kara]: whenever i got married i'd want to

start having a family like right away

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: so um

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: it's a funny funny story is that

i actually met my husband when we were

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[kara]: in element school

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: and he he was my third grade

crash even though we didn't start actually like

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[kara]: you know dating or anything like that

until we got into college and we got

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[kara]: married in two thousand thirteen

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: and we knew we wanted to start

a family we were both from large families

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[kara]: we were both one of five child

and so we knew ventually we wanted to

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[kara]: have children kind of a larger family

maybe after that first year of marriage after

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[kara]: we got used to each other all

that but god had different plans

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: and we actually got pregnant the night

of our wedding

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[ashley_bush]: okay wow yes

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[kara]: so that was that was a big

surprise literally a month later from october fifth

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[kara]: actually we just celebrated our ninth anniversary

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[ashley_bush]: oh

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[kara]: um and then a month later my

husband's birthday is november fifth and i got

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[kara]: to tell him hey you're going to

be

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[ashley_bush]: yes

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[kara]: a dad

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[ashley_bush]: i love it

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[ashley_bush]: so was that he was that the

start of your family you

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[kara]: so that was technically the start of

our family however that is the baby that

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[kara]: we ended up that ended up dying

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[ashley_bush]: i

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[kara]: and we lost you to late term

miscarriage

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: we we carried that child for a

little more than the first try messer so

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[kara]: uh three plus months

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: and then we were told you know

no heart beat there you're going to lose

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[kara]: baby i knew in advance and

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: it was very difficult time for us

like we said we both were excited to

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[kara]: be parents but losing their first child

i was definitely really hard very difficult in

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[kara]: that first year of marriage as well

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[ashley_bush]: yes yes that is a lot so

okay happy anniversary by the way

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[kara]: yeah

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[ashley_bush]: i know i know time can do

wonders because i know we're laughing i know

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[ashley_bush]: we both have experience loss and when

you're on that end it's just it it's

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[ashley_bush]: got ridging i mean nothing can prepare

you for it

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[kara]: oh

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[ashley_bush]: because even though you were hoping to

wait i'm sure the anticipation the love the

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[ashley_bush]: excitement everything was there when you found

out that you were pregnant and you got

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[ashley_bush]: share that news with your husband so

yeah okay i want to go you have

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[ashley_bush]: kids now so you have

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[kara]: i would do

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[ashley_bush]: ah you've got two

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[kara]: yes

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[ashley_bush]: kids so we're going to go all

to the loss and we're going to talk

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[ashley_bush]: about things just because you know it's

it's such an important topic and it's one

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[ashley_bush]: that we don't spend enough time talking

on and i am really my dog is

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[ashley_bush]: just like

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[kara]: oh

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[ashley_bush]: standing here he's like a little kid

he knows that mom's the phone and he's

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[ashley_bush]: going to interrupt me now but

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[kara]: definitely

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[ashley_bush]: it's the dog he's fine he just

wants attention at the exact moment um so

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[ashley_bush]: sorry i'm losing my train of

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[kara]: yah

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[ashley_bush]: thought

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[kara]: we ended up it took us a

little while

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: but we ended up conceiving again and

since we've had three daughters

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: i have a seven year old and

a four year old and an eighteen month

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[kara]: old now

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[ashley_bush]: okay very good time

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[kara]: ye

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[ashley_bush]: okay so that is awesome my love

that you've got your family you've got the

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[ashley_bush]: kids so that that first loss i

know it really has stuck with you and

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[ashley_bush]: impacted you and motherhood so tell us

how did you kind of move past that

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[ashley_bush]: were you always fearful when you were

pregnant again i guess it's probably my next

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[ashley_bush]: question like were you super anxious when

you found out you were pregnant the second

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[ashley_bush]: and third time

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[kara]: definitely

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: actually it took quite some time to

conceive again about a year or so after

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[kara]: that initial loss i went through entire

journey there trying to make sure i was

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[kara]: healthy and trying to make sure i

was ready to go to conceive a baby

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[kara]: again and month after month and that

didn't happen then you know so it was

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[kara]: even more fearful then and then finally

when i just kind of gave it up

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[kara]: to god

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: and i was like you know if

you want me to have a baby then

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[kara]: i'll have a baby if not i'm

fine with that and then let

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: a month later we conceived our oldest

child and that entire pregnancy yes was full

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[kara]: of fear i always tell you know

the people i talked to the moms i

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[kara]: talked to miscarriage and still birth and

infant loss it really kind of robs you

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[kara]: of the innocence of pregnancy

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: um you're always you know wondering what's

going to happen you know every second ever

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[kara]: little twinge that you feel in your

belly um

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[ashley_bush]: yes

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[kara]: you know are you going to lose

that baby again

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: so

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: it's definitely each subsequent pregnancy there on

after had different bells and different you know

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[kara]: varying degrees of anxiety that kind of

came along with it

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[ashley_bush]: yeah same here i had a couple

miscarriages and my first was was a silent

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[ashley_bush]: miscarriage and so i had had my

oldest before then so i thought oh everything

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[ashley_bush]: be fine and lo and behold you

know i was pregnant and then my symptoms

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[ashley_bush]: started to go away and i thought

well i'm just starting to feel better you

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[ashley_bush]: know and then we would go to

the doctor's appointment and the baby had passed

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[ashley_bush]: away and it was just it was

a silent one so when i got you

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[ashley_bush]: know sub when i got pregnant later

my anxiety it was awful i mean yes

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[ashley_bush]: every little twinge that i mean every

little thing was just agonized over but and

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[ashley_bush]: you're exactly right it just robbed you

of the jewel of just being able to

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[ashley_bush]: be in the moment and enjoy that

pregnancy so as we're talking and really bringing

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[ashley_bush]: awareness to pregnancy and infant loss i

know that you've got your ministry and i

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[ashley_bush]: want to dive in and i want

to talk all about this but i think

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[ashley_bush]: it's important to because you know when

i didn't experience my miscarriage how do how

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[ashley_bush]: do you how do you how would

what would you tell somebody that's going through

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[ashley_bush]: this or you're listening and they want

to just be supportive to their friend would

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[ashley_bush]: you tell them like what could they

do for their friend and maybe we talk

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[ashley_bush]: about your ministry but

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[kara]: so

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[ashley_bush]: a

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[kara]: yeah really it's going to depend on

the person

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: every single person grieves differently right

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: so just being aware of how your

friend or family member is grieving some people

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[kara]: really want to talk to somebody they

really want to be open hey don't want

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[kara]: to be silent about it and then

there's the other side that where people don't

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[kara]: want to talk about it at all

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[ashley_bush]: he

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[kara]: in our society it's still kind of

very taboo

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: topic to talk about especially for those

women who choose not to announce their pregnancy

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: until you know at the end of

that first thin mester so there's people who

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[kara]: might not even know that they've miscarried

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: so

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: but just some general things that people

can do is i always say like give

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[kara]: cards for meals or bring them a

meal because when you are going through that

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[kara]: cooking is the last thing that you

want to do

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[ashley_bush]: he

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[kara]: right and so that's like kind of

easy something really easy to do and you

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[kara]: don't have to be near your friend

or family member to do that you can

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[kara]: send it in an email or a

text message you know it's easy to

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: do something that we do through our

ministry is that we send care packages for

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[kara]: you so

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: they're completely free you can go on

our to our website and request the care

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[kara]: package to be sent to your friend

or family member all i need a name

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[kara]: and a mailing address and then if

you'd like to include a special note or

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[kara]: something in there for them then you

can include that in the note section or

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[kara]: you can send it anonymously as well

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: have lots of different options there but

inside really it's just full of comforting items

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[kara]: and resources that kind of go with

that so it kind of takes the guests

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[kara]: work out you have no idea what

to do i don't know i don't know

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[kara]: how to talk about it will you

send them one of our care packages and

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[kara]: we kind of do that for you

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[ashley_bush]: which is which is awesome so i

was super excited when i learned about what

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[ashley_bush]: you were doing because it's so needed

because before i ever had my losses i

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[ashley_bush]: didn't know how to i didn't know

what to say and i would i would

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[ashley_bush]: work with people i was thinking about

this the other day you know worked with

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[ashley_bush]: somebody and she experienced a loss and

was just like it was just kind of

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[ashley_bush]: like the like a shell of a

person for a while i mean she was

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[ashley_bush]: really upset and processing it i couldn't

understand it's like it's just like anything in

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[ashley_bush]: life i mean until you really walk

in the shoes i mean you don't really

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[ashley_bush]: know but for those we want to

be supportive and just say hey we're thinking

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[ashley_bush]: of you i think those are all

such wonderful ideas and i'm going to have

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[ashley_bush]: all of your links in the website

you know in the show notes because what

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[ashley_bush]: you do is just awesome i just

i love it you know nothing nothing screams

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[ashley_bush]: love than more than i think getting

something in the mail and like pening it

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[ashley_bush]: up and seeing what it is and

then to find a care package that's for

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[ashley_bush]: you going through something that's unique and

you know tragic but can be i don't

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[ashley_bush]: want to use the word beautiful but

you know just experience an experience that we

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[ashley_bush]: have to walk through

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[kara]: filling

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[ashley_bush]: very very nice one question i had

when you were talking and this is kind

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[ashley_bush]: of going a little bit off script

but i'm just curious because i know when

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[ashley_bush]: i had my losses i didn't know

so the hospital where i have my baby

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[ashley_bush]: and we always had a little service

with other people that had miscarriages as well

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[ashley_bush]: and so i know where my babies

are the remains are in a grave now

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[ashley_bush]: with other babies and like we had

a service there and stuff so we've got

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[ashley_bush]: a place that we can go and

remember our children i'm curious so where what

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[ashley_bush]: do you what happened like what process

what did you do and how did you

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[ashley_bush]: mourn with you baby

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[kara]: so i definitely wish that was an

option for

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: us when we went through our experience

no one kind of prepared me for that

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[kara]: for

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: what happens when the baby comes out

or we do

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: some some women they you know go

through a d and c at a hospital

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: and they might not ever receive the

arenes

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: again which i would like to note

that you are able to request the remains

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: from any d n c and a

lot of women don't know that

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[ashley_bush]: hm good call out

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[kara]: if you miss carry at home naturally

a lot of times you know doctor midwife

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[kara]: and you're not going to say you

know tell you the things that you should

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[kara]: be thinking about like when the baby

comes out what would you like to do

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[kara]: with he or

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[ashley_bush]: yes

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[kara]: are you going to place them in

a special box and

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: bury them somewhere

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: are you going some some women put

their babies in a planted pot with a

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[ashley_bush]: oh

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[kara]: oath of plane

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: so if they move then they

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: can take that plant with them

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[ashley_bush]: love

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[kara]: some choose to take the remains to

a funeral home and they

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: will cremate the baby

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: no matter how small the baby is

that they can

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: cremate for you and oftentimes a lot

of funeral homes will cremate for free so

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[kara]: that's definitely something to reach out with

for us we

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: we did not get heads up about

that so

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: all

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: i know is that i wanted to

make sure that i did save our babies

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[kara]: remains and

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: i know i wanted to do something

special but at the time all had was

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[kara]: to place our baby in a box

and we buried he or she i'm not

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[kara]: sure

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: which

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: one it was

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: outside in a backyard of my moth

is home um next

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: to a tree that we planted in

memory of my great grandmother

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: and it was very sweet at the

time of my husband and i we had

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[kara]: kind of our own little service that

we did shed some tears there together

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: and then you know buried and kind

of went on our way

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: but unfortunately my mother sold that house

and now we no longer have a place

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[kara]: to go to to visit or to

mourn or grieve on special you know anniversary

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[kara]: times and

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: things like that so it's definite something

different for every single person

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: but it's definitely a very important thing

to think about ahead of time

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[ashley_bush]: it is yeah or if you're listening

and you know maybe the person that has

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[ashley_bush]: lost their baby they just don't even

know i mean just to know the different

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[ashley_bush]: options i didn't know what to expect

my first one was a d and c

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[ashley_bush]: but the hospital they kept the remains

and then their ministry

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[kara]: yes

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[ashley_bush]: service like they co ordinated it so

you had like a remembrance day and then

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[ashley_bush]: they had the i'm drawing a blank

on the graveside where it's ther anyways and

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[ashley_bush]: then when my second one was at

home and so we didn't know what to

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[ashley_bush]: do was luckily it was the end

of the work day and my husband end

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[ashley_bush]: up calling because we had the remains

and we put we didn't know the sex

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[ashley_bush]: either and the baby was put into

it teperawaire container and we were trying to

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[ashley_bush]: figure out if something was wrong you

know i could there be a reason you

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[ashley_bush]: know we were trying to search for

any any information as to why it had

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[ashley_bush]: happened so we they did the pathology

on it and then the remains so yeah

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[ashley_bush]: that very

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[kara]: i love to hear that that hospital

does that because

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: that's very rare i would say that's

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[ashley_bush]: i am learning

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[kara]: one

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[ashley_bush]: that i am learning that it is

the more yes and they did a great

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[ashley_bush]: job yeah we would always get something

we don't we don't live in that area

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[ashley_bush]: anymore but they always it was a

beautiful job i mean not that we wanted

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[ashley_bush]: to go through it again but when

we had to go through it again i

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[ashley_bush]: mean we had we knew we had

that closure in a sense you know and

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[ashley_bush]: i will just never forget my parents

came and we stood nd we were at

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[ashley_bush]: the gray side and any time i'm

there it's in the state capital of missouri

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[ashley_bush]: i always go and visit that cemetery

and there's a big you know tombstone for

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[ashley_bush]: all the unborn babies so

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[kara]: excellest meat

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[ashley_bush]: so okay well that's yeah that's that's

yeah i just was curious i wanted to

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[ashley_bush]: ask you because everybody's got a little

bit of a different story um with that

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[ashley_bush]: so all right so tying and so

the ministry we talked about the boxes i

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[ashley_bush]: love again all of this we're going

to put the links on there and i

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[ashley_bush]: mean is there a cost if somebody's

on they're like oh my gosh i love

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[ashley_bush]: this unfortunately my friend my sister cousin

somebody's going through this where do they go

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[ashley_bush]: what do they do

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[kara]: so just on our website there is

a request care package kind of tab on

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[kara]: there that you can go request the

car package completely free no charge but obviously

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[kara]: we do have kind of like a

donation button

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[ashley_bush]: ah

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[kara]: there so if you would like to

contribute to the cause then you can definitely

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[kara]: send in a donation through that link

right now shipping costs for just one box

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[kara]: is almost ten dollars

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: and that doesn't include the cost of

any of the items within the box so

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[kara]: right now our care packages can range

anywhere from about twenty five to forty dollars

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[kara]: pending on which items we've had donated

at the time we get a lot of

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[kara]: items donated from our local community

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: which is extremely helpful and helps cut

down costs but some things we still kind

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[kara]: of purchase

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[ashley_bush]: sure okay and what was the big

reason why you wanted to start start this

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[ashley_bush]: organization or heart to line

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[kara]: so when after you know we experience

and i was still grieving

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: at the time i kind of was

like why you know why why did this

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[kara]: happen to me and i'm trying to

figure out things a figure out you know

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[kara]: what the bible says about you losing

your baby what is what does god say

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[kara]: about that and then i talked with

my midwife and you know she kind of

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[kara]: informed me that one and four our

pregnancies and then the loss and i was

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[kara]: just flabbergaced by that number like that

is a huge number

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: and during our loss there were not

a lot of resources at all

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[ashley_bush]: my

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[kara]: midwife was like there's some blogs written

about people's stories that you can go read

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[kara]: there's a couple of books out there

but there's really nothing

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: so i did a lot of praying

and a lot searching and i just kind

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[kara]: of felt that god called me to

work in that area and to help make

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[kara]: a difference

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: try to help and some comfort to

ladies kind of like how god comforted me

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: and also to connect them with resources

since then there have been some organization it's

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[kara]: popping up across the country with kind

of the same mission and for some of

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[kara]: the same reasons and so we've connected

with them to try to kind of bring

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[kara]: everybody together and just meet them needs

of the women that come in contact with

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[kara]: us

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[ashley_bush]: that's i love it because yeah i

mean my my first loss was twenty thirteen

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[ashley_bush]: i think twenty fifteen you're right i

mean there's really even then i mean it

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[ashley_bush]: doesn't seem like it was that long

ago there's just not a lot of resources

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[ashley_bush]: out there one other another thought i

had real quick i mean if anybody's listening

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[ashley_bush]: has a business i mean can they

just email you maybe they have something they

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[ashley_bush]: would love to donate are you guys

accepting donations if there's any comforting items that

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[ashley_bush]: somebody might have

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[kara]: definitely

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: i can also send you link we

do have a kind of like an amazon

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[kara]: wish list that

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: people can go on

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[ashley_bush]: were

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[kara]: and purchase items for us we're always

looking for dosponsorships for packages in general

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: we love partnering with businesses that can

provide a service or an item

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: that they would like to place into

our boxes some of our local families they

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[kara]: kind of they get the better end

of the deal because we have some local

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[kara]: businesses that donate like massage free massages

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: and free food different things that are

specific to our local community but

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: i would love to utilize some businesses

that serve the entire country like we do

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[ashley_bush]: yes

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[kara]: we ship to all of the united

states so far we've shipped to every single

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[kara]: state except for road island so

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[ashley_bush]: okay

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[kara]: we send them all all over the

place and businesses will definitely get plenty of

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[kara]: exposure for sure

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: and or any other non profit organizations

out there that are listening that would like

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[kara]: to have their business cards or their

services that they provide placed

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[ashley_bush]: hm

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[kara]: into our care packages we do that

well

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[ashley_bush]: okay awesome that is that is good

to know because yeah i mean yeah there's

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[ashley_bush]: there's so many amazing resources and i

think it's just great that we can all

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[ashley_bush]: just come together share and especially your

service or mean more the merrier so i

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[ashley_bush]: love that so very very cool i

am just so honored that you were able

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[ashley_bush]: to come on and share all of

this with us what you're doing is just

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[ashley_bush]: it's a total gift from god and

just keep on doing what you're doing i

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[ashley_bush]: know i have told many people about

the work you're doing and i just it's

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[ashley_bush]: just so needed and we just really

appreciate it so my final final question is

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[ashley_bush]: so now we're always we're all about

the mamma's you know any moms that are

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[ashley_bush]: listening and perhaps very new on this

journey what advice do you give or what

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[ashley_bush]: would you give to a new mom

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[kara]: oh my goodness

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[ashley_bush]: oh

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[kara]: there are some many different things that

i could say but the one thing that

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[kara]: kind of always sticks out to me

is that i am consistently reminded that motherhood

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[kara]: is such a ministry

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: it's not always an easy thing by

it means and god is continuing to refine

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[kara]: me through motherhood as well i've learned

so much about myself as i'm

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[ashley_bush]: m

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[kara]: also trying to teach my children and

to raise them up the right way and

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[kara]: a beauty and truth and all of

those things so when the days are hard

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[kara]: and difficult that i'm reminded you know

what god placed me in this this path

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[kara]: he gave me my children for a

reason

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[ashley_bush]: yeah

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[kara]: and i just try to

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[ashley_bush]: a

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[kara]: shift my mind to thinking that this

is on purpose for a purpose and a

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[kara]: woogles the fruit eventually as they continue

to grow and they grow into the people

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[kara]: who god wants them to be

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[ashley_bush]: hm so good so true thank

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[kara]: m

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[ashley_bush]: you so much for being here today

again everything is going to be in the

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[ashley_bush]: show notes if you want to reach

out and learn more about what care is

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[ashley_bush]: doing in her ministry everything will be

there and again i just cannot cannot thank

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[ashley_bush]: you enough and you know as we

bring light to this very important topic and

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[ashley_bush]: just talk about it i think that's

the most important thing that we can do

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[ashley_bush]: so thank you so much for being

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[kara]: m

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[ashley_bush]: here and sharing all this with us

today

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[kara]: thank you so much for having me

i really appreciate it and i hope you

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[kara]: all have a great weekend

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[ashley_bush]: thank you you tube

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Links mentioned in this episode:

★ Learn more about Our Hearts Align here

★ Follow Our Hearts Align on FB and IG

★ The Duckling in Our Hearts: A Gentle Baby Loss Story by Kara Mangum
★Align Our Hearts: A Devotional for Pregnancy Loss by Kara Mangum